How to talk to a baby
Having a hard time interacting with a baby? Try these:
Become an interviewer. Ask for her take on the possibility of an impending WW III. Ask what she thinks about the impact of AI on society. Ask what kind of person she'd like to be when robots take over human jobs. Ask what she expects from her parents. Ask what the secret is behind her chill attitude toward life.
Make false promises. Promise the baby you'll pay for a trip around the world. Promise the baby Daddy will be fine even if she likes Mommy more. Promise the baby Daddy will feed her a slice of Papa John's if she sleeps until 7 AM.
Make the baby the protagonist of your new story. Tell the baby she's been recruited as a spy for the North Korean government. Tell the baby she'll have to train to become a special agent. Ask the baby if she's ready for combat. Tell the baby we're living in a computer-simulated alternative universe. Tell the baby she's merely a collection of code. Tell the baby she's been invited to Hogwarts next year. Tell the baby she's one of the few non-white wizards.
Sing a song. Sing whatever comes to mind. Sing about how much you love her. Sing about your arms holding an 8 kg baby for hours every day. Sing about the amazing iced coffee you had at your favorite coffee shop. Act tough and sing generic K-pop songs about teenage love. Shout "What's up, Korea?" and act like you're Chris Martin performing in Seoul.
Tell her about your past struggles. Tell her about the time you had a job interview with the most arrogant asshole. Tell her about the time you first heard about your dad's cancer. Tell her about the time you cried in your car while listening to a Beatles song. Tell her about the time you thought life wasn't worth living. Tell her about the time you almost crapped your pants (preferably as an adult).
Recap what she did during the day or talk about tomorrow's plans. Tell her about all the aunties and uncles she met during the day. Tell her how much fun you had walking around the park. Tell her she had beef porridge for the first time today. Tell her she's growing so fast and you feel a little sad about that. Tell her tomorrow will be another fun day. Tell her you're excited to spend another day with her.
Ask her to please date or marry a decent person. Tell her it's important to have a healthy relationship with a partner. Tell her Daddy's life is complete thanks to Mommy. Tell her about the first time Daddy met Mommy. Tell her Daddy's biggest achievement in life is marrying the love of his life. Tell her to ask Mommy if she feels the same way.
Tell her about a book, movie, or show you've enjoyed recently. Tell her about the short stories of George Saunders. Tell her what Tolstoy said about the role of faith in our lives. Tell her about the film Possible Love and why you think it struggled to attract investors in Korea. Tell her about Slow Horses and how you think the show's quality has deteriorated over the seasons.
Make travel plans for the future. Think of all the places you could visit around the world. Look up when flights are cheapest. Tell her the yen is incredibly cheap these days. Ask her if she likes Japanese food. Ask her, "How about Thailand or Vietnam?" Ask if she's up for spending more than twelve hours on a plane. Ask if she'd like to travel for more than a week. Ask if she wants to stay in a nice hotel with a pool. Ask if she'd rather travel with her friends than with you.
Confess your sins to the baby. Tell her about the time you hurt your friends' feelings. Tell her about the time you thought your parents didn't understand the pain you were feeling. Tell her about the time you drank beer for the first time at thirteen. Tell her about the time you almost got kicked out of middle school. Tell her about the time you got caught stealing DVDs. Tell her how you sometimes wish certain nasty people would just disappear from the face of the earth. Tell her you're not a perfect person.