Why am I attracted to religion?
In my reading group, I’ve been reading about religion and spirituality. So far, we’ve read Albert Einstein’s ‘Science and Religion’, Haroon Moghul’s ‘The Wrong Imam’, and Thich Nhat Hanh’s ‘The Miracle of Mindfulness’.
While watching ‘Walk With Me’, a film about Thich Nhat Hanh’s monastery in France, I saw visitors to the monastery moved to tears while listening to the monks singing in harmony. I immediately thought of how worshippers in Christian churches cry while singing and praising God together. Just like how Moghul cried inside a mosque in Dubai after hearing an imam’s deeply emotional dua (supplication to God). Just like how Danny cries inside a Korean church in the show Beef. There’s this magical power of religious gatherings that allows people to let down their guard and completely break down without resisting.
Back in college, I occasionally attended a Korean Protestant church. I never thought of myself as a Christian because I didn’t consider myself a true believer. However, I was somehow drawn to church. I wanted to be part of something bigger. I wanted to lean on a greater being. Maybe I just wanted to be among the followers of God, who I thought were in a much better position than I was (even though I argued that religion didn't make much rational sense). I even joined the church’s choir for a year, performing at places like nursing homes.
When my daughter was born, my wife and I talked about going to a Catholic church. My wife was raised Catholic, but she hadn’t attended church in more than twenty years. I never thought she would turn toward God and suggest going to church as a family. I was a bit surprised, not in a bad way, but because I had been feeling something similar as I watched our baby grow.
We haven’t attended a service yet because I’m not sure whether we should rely on the church to practice our faith. I know church is often considered an essential part of Christianity. But I’m not sure I’m ready to accept the doctrines of a religious institution. I don’t want to choose a religion from the most popular options in my area, as if I were shopping for a car. At the same time, I’m not sure it’s even possible to study every religion and figure out which one suits me best. I feel lost.